Blue Gemini

A Stick of Cigarette and A Fantasy

A quarter after four in the morning, I woke up to the pitch black darkness of the room. Half- awake, I reached out for my mobile phone beside my pillow—two messages– a good night quote from a friend (surely one of those she sends to people before tucking in bed) and one asking me if I would still be able to make it to a friend’s birthday bash. Obviously, I fell asleep before even gaining the strength to dress up and leave home for another few hours of drinking and conversations.

Barely five hours of sleep and there I was staring at the darkness with empty thoughts. Sleepiness already left me. I stood up, struggled to find the light switch, grabbed the stick of cigarette from the center table, lighted it, and headed to the terrace only to once again stare at nothingness.

Mindless of the shivering crisp cold air of early dawn with nothing but my boxers on, I mindlessly savored every puff of my only buddy, thinking deeply of nothing. And then it hit me again, the feeling that keeps haunting me in the past years despite my firm but futile attempts of shrugging it off my mind. Billions of people around the world; and a 25 year-old undergraduate, underpaid writer remains single merely out of choices and chances.

In the past days I have managed to divert the attention of myself and people who stick their noses in my affairs from the real horrors of my solitude to the creation of a new person who finally made up his mind to pursue the dreams he have stopped chasing many stupid midnights back. My lack of a real intimate relationship is puzzling to many, but frustrating for me. An unfortunate reality whose reasons I am still yet to fully understand.

Halfway through finishing my smoke, I closed my eyes, imagined a pair of hands sliding through the sides of my waist, ending in a warm tight hug. I relished the moment. Then a warm breath touched the skin on my nape, with its source only a few inches away from kissing me. And then it disappeared, I opened my eyes once again to the darkness. The fantasy left me even before I make something out of it and led me back to my world.

I finished the cigarette, thrown its butt to nowhere, turned around, opened the door and closed it right behind me. And while the fantasy was already gone, the sting of its absence continues to pierce something down my left chest. I tried to recreate the imagination, but its flare was completely gone the moment I opened my eyes seconds ago.

With a cup of coffee in my right hand, I once again somehow managed to reassure myself that everything will just be alright. That the time for a real love story is yet to come for me, like how it happened to people just in their early 30s. That it is after all a personal choice made real by my busy schedule. These and all other pseudo- comforting excuses I always tell myself when my knees are about to give up out of misery.

And then… back to square 1. The battle will surely resume anytime soon. But there are still those excuses, friends that make you forget, bottles of beer that can help you temporarily escape, and a stick of cigarette to be with you even in the coldness of early dawn. 

(Source: bluerosesandlife.wordpress.com)

Matias at 36. A Day on My Life, 10 Years From Now

(This is a brave attempt of what I want my life to be a decade from now. Quite ambitious, but hey, dreaming never comes with a price tag).

It was another Sunday as I entered the coffee shop two hours before noon and was greeted by the ever cheerful Mike who was as polite as he opened the door for me seeing that both my hands were full—one clutching my 6- month old laptop and the other holding folders of papers I need to review. I made a quick look back at my car, seeing that it was parked correctly. I returned a gracious smile adding some words of thanks to Mike. I seated myself in my favorite spot—the one near the glass windows where I can catch glimpses of passerby’s. I judged against checking the counters and the kitchen, faithful that the staff is doing a fine job. The “Blue Rose” has always been my Sunday headquarters since the day I put it up around three years ago with the help of my coffee-lover cousin, Benjamin. I rested my back against the cozy chair and smile at the thoughts of the next few days—travel, another talk, new people.

My thoughts shifted from the papers I need to review, the upcoming talk at a school event in one of Davao’s prestigious universities, and that afternoon’s family bonding plan. Well, I better start on something before mom starts asking of my whereabouts when they already reach the beach. Markova, Ibs and Vonita could not come with me today as they are enjoying their Asian vacation tour. “Don’t be late, and no excuses”, was mama’s remark that morning after we attended Mass.

I opened my new buddy, the laptop that saved me from the horrors of my previous one which now, I suppose, sits comfortably in my nephew’s room—or not. Six months back that darling decided to turn off on me at the middle of writing my column for Manila Bulletin. I can still remember the frustration as I was about to write the last two paragraphs when it turned off with me unable to save the progress- well, talking about reminding myself to Click CTRL + S after every paragraph. The Manila Bulletin engagement was a weekly stint as a favor to a colleague who now works as the paper’s Associate Editor.

My writing jobs keep me in contact with my passion amidst the busy schedules. I strived to maintain my writing work despite the high demands of running three businesses, talk invitations, and my community volunteer works. Life never gave me much of a rest, but I have to remind myself that I asked for these. Haha.

But before I was able to open the folders to review (some proposals and investment reports), I was hit by a wave of nostalgia that took me back 10 years ago. Back in the old days when a 25, running 26- year-old Matias sits in front of the computer finally coming up with the decision to change his life. That moment when I realized that I need to shift paradigms and decided to take action towards the direction I want my life to go.

The past 10 years were not easy and I have to fight myself over and over again just to stay on track. I went back to school, took up Political Science, and juggled schedules between studies, my full-time writing job, and my volunteer works. There were times I wanted to just give up, but friends like Prime, Gale, and Art helped me keep my sanity. Less than 3 years and I finally received my diploma with papa and mama teary eyed as photos were taken after the ceremonies.

One long-term goal reached and I was finally able to concentrate on the things that I needed and wanted to do. I continued writing and somehow managed to create a group of online writers that work for me on some projects. It was paying even better then and I managed to earn enough to start some small upgrades in life—starting of course, with helping my parents set up a house of their own. Two more years and my dream car and house will be in my hands, but first, I decided to invest in a business that Beb and I partnered to put up.

At the same time, I continued my community and Church volunteer works that somehow kept my social life alive despite all the time-consuming, sometimes stressful and bloodsucking schedules. After speaking in one of our leadership trainings that MYDC annually gives to young leaders, a friend asked me to speak in a seminar they were setting up in Manila. And after that, the speaking invitations never stopped coming, until today.

I smiled at the thought of having to realize my dreams with that one day I decided to change perspectives and to take action. I was thankful enough that the preceding events of that fateful day made me see that the time has come to do some real big changes in my life.

And just as I was about to get emotional at my stroll along memory lane, my mobile phone buzzed. Oh, it was my 5-year long partner Jericho calling. “Hey honey!” I said while wiping some forming tears at the sides of my left eye.

“Saan ka na hon? Si Harley, Oding at Chacha kanina pa nandito. Ready na kami,” he said. His voice was ever sweet.

I replied, “Nasa Blue Rose ako hon, may nirereview lang”.

“Magtatampo na naman yung mama mo pag na-late na naman tayo. Ano, daanan ka na lang naming diyan?”, he asked.

“Sige pick me up na lang dito, hintay ako. Thanks!” and then I hanged up.

Life. 

(Source: bluerosesandlife.wordpress.com)

And Then, I am Writing for Myself Again

I have been writing for around three years now but I barely had the chances of writing things that I would like to write. As a slave of the capitalist culture, I write what I was asked to write and when ideas run through my mind, I barely had the spare time and strength to write it down because of some matters of consequences.

Over the past few weeks I have been into a lot of things, a roller coaster of people and events that tested my sanity. There were revelations and realizations that pushed me off the edge of my logical stance on almost everything. I have been out sneaking, drinking, lying, pretending, and trying hard to ease out the emptiness and confusion I was feeling—all efforts of which are futile… until tonight.

I resolved to change some things and try to become what I could have been—the very reason why I am starting this new blog. I would like to make dreams come true, get to places, meet new people, gain new skills, reach new achievements, and everything else that can make me say that I made the most out this one life.

Things would never be easy as they never were, but there are little specks of happiness in every boulder of problems and you always have the choice of where to look. I will commit mistakes because I am bound to but I will also have the same chances of getting up from them. From here forward, I will strive to become better and I will start with this blog.

(Source: bluerosesandlife.wordpress.com)

My New Blog

A Poem for a HARDBOILED EGG

Have you ever danced with a devil under the pale moonlight?
Have you bargained compromises with an underworld merchant?
Have you pounded Heaven’s gate and wrestled with angels of light?
Have you mastered chants just to bewitch men of might?

You look my way and its like Atlantis once again opened its majestic gates.
You smiled and it seemed like the world is more than just a friendly place.
You say your hi’s and I replied with my awkward pretentious hello’s
But there and then, the one that captured my heart was you.

And if fate not be on my side in the quest to win your heart,
I will cross seas and rivers wide to prove that I may just be worth your while.
To look at, to feel with, to love.
And maybe, just maybe, forever may not anymore seem so far away.

(For my hardboiled egg boy)

—Bluerose Matt